Now that the Dotard in Chief and Little Rocket Man have danced their pas de deux, the pundits are pushing all the words out of their mouth-holes, and boy have they got the best words. Some are so desperate for a news event that isn’t straight-up dystopian, they’ve been trying to say it’s not so bad, in fact it’s really just fine since Trump clearly “won” something by not actually slipping into a psychotic episode in Singapore.
To everyone who’s convinced this was a PR victory for VonPussygrab, I say whaa? Whose PR victory? The big winner in this has always been Kim Jong-un who has finally achieved his long-standing goal of being seen as an equal to other “world leaders” like the US President. Regardless of how we view President Dumpsterfire’s role in this, the fact is that to Kim’s people his torturous depraved regime is more legit than ever. There’s a reason former leaders have avoided the kinds of photo ops we’re seeing now. The groper in chief is getting played, and so is every pundit who declares he’s finally acting presidential.
Here’s my take on the Komprimat the Russians have on Reality TV’s highest-rated treasonous wanker: I don’t think it’s financial (at least it’s not only financial), nor is it just a videotaped golden shower (shudderingly bad as that sounds). No, I believe there is video evidence of Comrade Grabber committing an actual violent crime – sex trafficking of underage girls, rape, rape of minors, that kind of thing. I think this for many reasons, but especially because I have never forgotten the complaint filed by a woman who claimed he violently raped her when she was 13. Despite having an eyewitness, this poor woman withdrew her complaint and went into hiding shortly before the 2016 election because she was threatened. Read her complaint and tell me you don’t think a) he did it, and b) probably a bunch of times cuz that’s his kink, very young girls. Read all about it at Snopes.
How positively revolting that comedy’s favorite masturbating bad-boy jumped onstage last night for an impromptu comeback. With every ounce of privilege intact, he just whipped out his new routine and waved it around at an unsuspecting audience. An audience filled with people who never planned on being part of his redemption tale. I would want my cover charge back because I wouldn’t want to fund a penny of that (also: EWWW). He’s become so much more creepy than funny. I can’t watch him anymore, like Bill Cosby. Also I bet all the non-masturbating women he abused, intimidated, and excluded were hella funnier than his tired old man-baby schtick.
Like most celebrities, Louis Dick-in-Hand gets away with some crazy shit. But what if he did something else for a living? McSweeneys went there.
The bottom has dropped again. In other words, it’s Thursday and Gropey McDumbass is still *president. Today it’s the hurricane tweets. Jesus Christ on an inflatable raft, people – the hurricane tweets and the 9/11 thumbs up, and taking money away from FEMA to put more babies in cages. What the actual fuck are Republicans letting happen right here in front of our gobsmacked faces.
Dear Congress, remember it’s your constitutional duty to check the other branches of government. Not to add a serial perjurer to one and let the world’s biggest clown represent the other.
[Here is where I will say clever things about myself and why I am doing this]